He told me they were just razor bumps!
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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