This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
he had hair everywhere except his balls
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
