Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
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