I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
Randomize
