I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
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