Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
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