I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
Randomize
