She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
Boobs are out for the taking
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
I lost the right to judge tonight
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
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