Loo but I'm already drunk TINIGHT! CAPS ATTACK
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
Randomize
