I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
Randomize
