I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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