I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Randomize
