I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
Randomize
