Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
Randomize
