he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
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