So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
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