listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
Cheyanne in woods. Ducks attacked. My toe is bleeding. We are gpsing our way home on foot. No worries
I lost my cyber virginity to a guy I barely knew in high school while a Togepi Plushie watched.
Randomize
