first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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