genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
Randomize
