I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Randomize
