I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
it glows. i had to have it.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
