There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
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