bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
