toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
wrigley field is MILF paradise
just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
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