just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
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