Grossest hangover story of 09: Puked in the bathtub. I was in it.
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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