I am pretty sure the guy in the stall two dwn from me is jerking it...seriously
Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Randomize
