I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
this celing is unfamiliar to me... im just vaguely wondering where i am. but not quite concerned enough to do anything about it.
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
Randomize