hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
Will exercising make me less horny?
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize