Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
Randomize
