It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
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