i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
Randomize
