I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
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