make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
Randomize
