I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
Btw, I feel the need to make sure we have no misunderstanding about this. So here goes. I'll happily mess around with you again. However, I probably won't do it while you're dressed like a creepy clown. Or any clown.
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
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