This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
Randomize
