someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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