Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
Randomize
