her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
Ill bet we could have atleast fucked a girl who fucked a guy who has fucked tara reid. That's a famous circle right?
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
Randomize
