I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
I approve. Last time I was there, I left E's room to get a drink of water. Found M sitting on the kitchen counter in his boxers hammered and eating a banana. He proceeded to feed me the rest of his banana then went to bed with the lights on. You two will be great.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
Randomize
