Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
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