I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
so far i wrote 500 words for a paper on sean paul performing we be burnin..i can officially do anything on adderral
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
btw, whatever u do, dont try and take that towel away from her..i tried, it got ugly..she said some things im sure she regrets.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
Randomize
