you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
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