Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
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