can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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