There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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