So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
