I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
Randomize
