i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
Randomize
