my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
so this was truly a case of the blacked out leading the blacked out.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
This toilet bowl is my home.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
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