worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
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