I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
Randomize
