i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
i wish my penis had a tongue
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
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