the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
Randomize