Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
Randomize
